Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
