Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
