I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
