So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
