I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
