Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
