i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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