you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
