Heybabeimwearingurpanties
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
