every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
