theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
