my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it hurts more in the daytime
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
