This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
