Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
its liver damage thursday
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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