I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
