Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted