Texts From Last Night

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  (314): View more from Missouri

  he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex

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  (314): he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex http://tfl.nu/lecw
  Replies (62) Good night (2303) Bad night (13526)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me

  (224): View more from Illinois

  RUN RUN RUN RUN

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  (847): I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me (224): RUN RUN RUN RUN http://tfl.nu/a7sq
  Replies (23) Good night (3403) Bad night (871)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...

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  (828): finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night... http://tfl.nu/doej
  Replies (12) Good night (720) Bad night (4678)
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  (915): View more from Texas

  My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!

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  (915): My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!! http://tfl.nu/a7ta
  Replies (22) Good night (6235) Bad night (744)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.

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  (603): Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket. http://tfl.nu/e8ax
  Replies (4) Good night (2070) Bad night (700)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight

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  (602): I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight http://tfl.nu/yocu
  Replies (20) Good night (911) Bad night (4327)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something

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  (573): Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something http://tfl.nu/61ie
  Replies (7) Good night (780) Bad night (1293)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.

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  (443): I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley. http://tfl.nu/k95g
  Replies (7) Good night (945) Bad night (678)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?

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  (208): And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs? http://tfl.nu/xb1m
  Replies (2) Good night (1569) Bad night (599)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.

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  (256): You asked him for a membership to him and his dick. http://tfl.nu/mfxs
  Replies (5) Good night (1664) Bad night (743)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it

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  (214): I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it http://tfl.nu/key8
  Replies (11) Good night (780) Bad night (1268)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.

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  (520): Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties. http://tfl.nu/5b50
  Replies (2) Good night (1065) Bad night (416)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.

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  (920): We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette. http://tfl.nu/65r6
  Replies (1) Good night (872) Bad night (438)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.

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  (615): my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything. http://tfl.nu/13l7
  Replies (10) Good night (1194) Bad night (389)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"

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  (517): We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!" http://tfl.nu/8tru
  Replies (0) Good night (472) Bad night (270)

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