I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
