I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
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His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
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The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just want to make out with him forever
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."