..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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