I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Randomize
