Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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