Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
