I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
