When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
