i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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