You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
