I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
