i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
