Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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