then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
