Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
