nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
