hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
