I hate all girls vehemently.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
