the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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