So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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