Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
