Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
