I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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