im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
