dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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