I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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