yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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