oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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