if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
