I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
