i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
