Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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