Your mouth is God's brothel.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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