Little spoons don't ask big questions
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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