No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
