i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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