Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
