mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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