I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
