can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
