In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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